A wise person once said that pride comes before a fall.
I have discovered, as we all do, that they were right.

I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. I think I felt like I’d built up people’s expectations, and I put a lot of pressure on myself because of that.
I didn’t want to admit that I was getting bad again, so I didn’t write.

As I write this, with tears that haven’t yet dried still on my cheeks, I realise that was stupid.
I have to look out for myself. When it comes to my mental health, I’m the only one I’ve got.
And I don’t mean that there’s no one there for me. There are plenty of people I could turn to. I just don’t.

Because I’m too proud.

The signs are so painfully obvious.
Eating less, doing less, not writing, not listening to music. Caring less, crying so often and getting hurt so much that I just switch off. Insomnia, bad dreams…

Now I’m here. And I haven’t been here for a very long time. It’s like nothing has happened since I was last here.

What really amazes me is how easy it is to forget that people care. It gets so bad, that even when you’re reading a letter from someone that loves you, saying they love you, and it’s right there in your shaking hands, you can’t accept it.
You think of scenarios where they were forced to write the letter, you weave a sticky, suffocating web of conspiracy theories about everyone that cares for you, until you’re left in a heap on the floor, with this feeling like something has sucked your insides out of you, drained every single drop of light and love out of you until all that’s left is a shell of a person.

Writing has saved my life so many times. Blogging has saved my life. And that’s why I’ve come back.
Because at the end of the day, it’s me that matters. It’s the same for everyone. You have to look out for you.

So, I’m back, guys… I hope you’ll have me ❀


27 thoughts on “Pride

Add yours

  1. We are here.
    Darkness is part of everyone; some of us struggle with it every day.
    I believe that the greater the darkness you struggle with, the greater the light you can bring to the world.
    My advice to you: be patient with yourself. Be kind. I know that it’s hard, but it is the most important thing to do. Don’t feel guilty about not writing a blog. We will still be here. We come for the writing, but also for you.
    In this weird messed up world, words join us all -the writers, the artists, the dreamers-.
    We see the shadows of this world (and there are many), and we struggle to find the good (although the media tries to snuff it out).
    Humanity, love, friendship, kindness…these things live in places like your blog. Don’t give up.
    You are not alone πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aaaaaaa!!!!
      How to not tear up!?
      I can’t put into words… just how much this comment means to me ❀ ❀
      Thank you so so so much ❀ ❀ ❀
      I'm still speechless πŸ˜€
      THANK YOU ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀ ❀
      I didn't expect to smile very much today, but you changed that πŸ™‚
      Thank you ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The blacker the darkness, the brighter the light. Now that’s what I call food for thought. I can tell, even though I’ve not met you that you’re a a spreader of light, and a sincere and honest soul. I’m glad you strive to turn those feelings of dread and uncertainty and depression into positivity. You just keep on doing what you do and being who you are! Good things are going to come into your life.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for your kind words! I believe we can all bring a little more light into the world; it’s the small things that really make a difference. A smile and a happy day could easily change the course of history or the direction of someone’s life. That’s what happened to me anyway 😊
    All my best to you and see you around πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Plz continue writing.I feel exactly the same sometimes.Infact in a way m glad to know m not alone.U r lucky you have people who care about u.reach out to them to avoid slipping in the dark hole.God bless!!

    Liked by 1 person

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Almost, Almost

Queer librarian blogs mostly about books

Β© Felipe Adan Lerma - All Rights Reserved - Blogging at WordPress Since 2011 :)

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