there is no blood, but there are potentially triggering pictures, as well as multiple references to cutting and self harm.
Depression hasn’t hit me hard, it’s knocked me off my feet and sat on my chest, beating its own in a primal victory dance.
This post will be uploaded a few days from now… I hope that I’ll feel better.
We all have moments. I haven’t had this many consistently in a long time. And for the first time in two and a half years, I was very close to self harming.
After a short internet search, I decided to follow the advice in one of the articles: draw on the area where you want to self harm.
At first I drew a star and some spirals on the back of my hand, where I used to self harm the most. Didn’t help.
Then I looked at my pens, and knew what I had to do.
I plucked out a red Sharpie, and started to draw.
Now that helped. The brutality of the red on unmarred skin gave me perspective. What would I get afterwards? It wasn’t worth it.
When I was younger – too young really – if I got sad, I drew black crosses (×) on the centre of my wrists. I’m not sure why I did it at that age, but it helped just as much then as it did tonight.
I drew red lines all over my body, and gradually I felt calmer. Still depressed, but not in the hyper way.
So… I guess I’ll remember this for next time. When all else fails, vandalise yourself in a harmless way.
Perhaps I’m strange for sharing this, but I’m actually really proud of myself for not giving in. I was on the edge, but I was just rational enough to not destroy my progress.
I hope that years from now I’ll be here to say, “I’ve been clean for six years!”
(don’t do this if you have to go out in public the next day, Sharpie doesn’t scrub off easily XD)
(yep, I learned that the hard way)