Pride

A wise person once said that pride comes before a fall.
I have discovered, as we all do, that they were right.

I’m sorry I haven’t written in so long. I think I felt like I’d built up people’s expectations, and I put a lot of pressure on myself because of that.
I didn’t want to admit that I was getting bad again, so I didn’t write.

As I write this, with tears that haven’t yet dried still on my cheeks, I realise that was stupid.
I have to look out for myself. When it comes to my mental health, I’m the only one I’ve got.
And I don’t mean that there’s no one there for me. There are plenty of people I could turn to. I just don’t.

Because I’m too proud.

The signs are so painfully obvious.
Eating less, doing less, not writing, not listening to music. Caring less, crying so often and getting hurt so much that I just switch off. Insomnia, bad dreams…

Now I’m here. And I haven’t been here for a very long time. It’s like nothing has happened since I was last here.

What really amazes me is how easy it is to forget that people care. It gets so bad, that even when you’re reading a letter from someone that loves you, saying they love you, and it’s right there in your shaking hands, you can’t accept it.
You think of scenarios where they were forced to write the letter, you weave a sticky, suffocating web of conspiracy theories about everyone that cares for you, until you’re left in a heap on the floor, with this feeling like something has sucked your insides out of you, drained every single drop of light and love out of you until all that’s left is a shell of a person.

Writing has saved my life so many times. Blogging has saved my life. And that’s why I’ve come back.
Because at the end of the day, it’s me that matters. It’s the same for everyone. You have to look out for you.

So, I’m back, guys… I hope you’ll have me ❤